Sunday, May 27, 2012

living dayshift





due to a little procedure i had done this week, i got the rare weekend off.  i got the chance to experience what normal people experience.  i enjoyed a saturday morning breakfast, went shopping, stayed up late and went to church with the whole family sunday morning.  the rest of the day we hung out around the house, went to the pool and played croquette. 
i do believe i could get used to this not staying up all night business.  i realized when i am living a "normal" schedule, i am likeable.  above that - i have the clarity to really see my family for what they are, without the nauseous, tingling hands, foggy eyes exhausted feeling i usually carry with me.  they are fun, energetic, clever, funny, and beautiful.   it made me see just how good i really have it.  so sorry for all the silly complaining i do!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

my day


i woke up tired and fussy today.  my children were running at me - excited to show me their cards and handmade goods.  i sat at the table and drank my coffee, read my paper and indulged in a giant smallcakes cupcake they picked out for me.  i opened my presents which consisted of a super cute life is good tee, tickets to a starlight play and a free shopping day out just for me.  so we loaded up the five little ones with just minor stress and headed out to my favorite shopping area.  more life is good - frozen yogurt and my new fave - a gourmet olive oil store ran by a couple from our church.  totally fun and only a little teensy bit stressful with them milling about the glass bottles of expensive oils.

so thankful this mother's day.  thankful i have my mama to love and talk to.  thankful that i was given such a totally loving and giving mother. thankful also for a sweet and loving mother in law who always brings me something fun on mother's day.  thankful for my husband who spoils me on every holiday.  he shows me selflessly his respect and gratitude in ways that surprise me each year.

im thankful for my oldest daughter who loves to go for walks with me and hand crafts my presents with as much love as she can squeeze into them.
im thankful for my oldest son who still pauses to love on his mama in between his extremely active social life filled with rough and tumble games in the hood.


im thankful for my youngest boy who made me a mother's day card which read "i love you mom because you give me food every day."  and he meant it.
im thankful for my second oldest girl who used true restraint today and threw no fits because she was being kind on mother's day.  it was rough on her, but she did it because somewhere in that beautiful strong willed little body she really wants to please me.
im also so very thankful for my sweet baby who i bathed tonight and slathered in honey scented lotion before snuggling her to sleep.  dear lord i love that i still have a baby girl around to snuggle to sleep.

happy mother's day to my mama and all of my friends who teach me each day ways to be a better mother.

Friday, May 11, 2012

funny kids.

i took the kids to michaels the other day.  everyone who knows me understands that i detest that store.  it stinks like straw and is full of craft crap.  i do not like it.
my daughter needed something from there, so i drug them all out.  i was cranky about it and might of snipped at them a little during the crafty shopping extravaganza.  we went outside and i told them to sit on the bench so i could go throw away some trash.  they all sat down and as i was walking away i heard ashton tell maggie "well maggie, there she goes."  maggie responded "yep ashton, there she goes.  just walking away."
funny - they were so calm at the thought of me leaving them!
on the way home they were telling the story of one of their friends getting a bruised up noggin.  maggie said to ashton "her bump is purple mountain majesty."  he said, "i think it is more blue violet."  she said "yes, blue violet and cornflower blue."
these kids take their crayolas very seriously!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

im ok

its ok. i came to a peace and understanding. while it is hard to face the fact that my body is aging and i will not be able to have children anymore, its ok. its also ok to be sad about it without being crazy. its ok to grieve it and move on.  my surgeon asked me if i was certain i didn't want any more children, that i was so good at it, was i really sure?  he was totally serious.  he didn't make me feel crazy at all for having five - and the thought of having more.  he said - you are a long way from being mrs. duggar.  i answered honestly and said - while we love babies, we are done.  we want to focus on what we have and help them grow.
  i think that there will be fun days ahead with the kiddos as they get older. molly and i already have so much fun going out together and shopping without the little ones in toe. i look forward to the relationship i will have with her in the future as she continues to mature. i think it would be a good feeling to plan a weekend away with my husband without worrying about leaving a baby behind. i am amazed that our relationship stays so strong when we often just run past each other without having time to really talk to each other. i am grateful that he still loves me today like he did when he married me. stretch marks, wrinkles, extra curves and varicose veins. he loves it all, praise jesus.  he has given up his career and all its possibilities to stay home with the children.  it will be nice when he doesnt have to keep it all on hold anymore, to use his extreme wit on others in addition to us.  it will of course be nice to sleep again. i have been pregnant or breastfeeding nearly solid for the past 12 years. i have worked night shift during that time, trying to flip back to a morning person during the week while getting up all night with a baby. its grueling. its aging me. it makes me crabby to the good kids and husband that love me anyway. i think it would be nice to have a few hours for myself. that seems so foreign, but i think i might find something to do that i enjoy. i was planting my garden today and had to stop multiple times to help maggie or soothe the baby. it will be fun when they are all in school and i can have time to accomplish things i want to, for me. it will be awesome to spend a little more one on one time with each child. i am realizing that they are all so unique and likeable, i wish i had more time to just sit and talk with each of them - without multitasking. i am so thankful for what i have been given thus far, and i look forward to what is coming next.

Friday, April 27, 2012

seasons

i went to the doctor today. my ob. the office i have been dozens of times for prenatal checkups. i have walked into that waiting room and sat in those chairs so many times anxiously awaiting the chance to hear my babies heartbeat for the first time, to see their little hands waving on the ultrasound. i have always been filled with overwhelming joy during those appointments. even with the weight gain, the leg vein issues, the nausea. i loved every second of being pregnant. i loved that moment when you realize you could be and you start taking tests. i love taking the faint little line to my husband and both of us scrutinizing it. the late night runs to the store for more tests. the first doctor's appointment in which she smiles and tells us congratulations. i love feeling my baby move, kicking and letting me know they are alive and well in there. i love wearing maternity clothes, having total strangers smile when they see your big baby belly. i love anticipating the birth. i love when it starts getting close and you know that any day you will meet your new little one. wondering who they will look like, how much they will weigh, what we will name them. bar none the best feeling in the world is when you husband sees the baby for the first time and tells you he/she is perfect. holding that baby you have created for the first time and feeling their weight in your arms. kissing their sweet head and feeling that perfect newborn skin. its amazing, no drug could ever give you that high, that sheer happiness felt at that moment. i love taking them home for the first time and just curling up in bed with them. staring at them and trying to memorize everything about them. clothes shopping, toy shopping, watching the siblings kiss and love on them. i love it all so much. today i went to my ob to start the process of making certain that never happens again. its horrible. i feel like a part of my life is being robbed from me. she assures me i will feel excited and happy about it when its done. i said, i don't know - i really really like having babies. she said, i know, but i promise you will be happy. right now im not too happy about it. i know there are seasons to life, and i feel like my spring is being taken away for good. i don't mean to sound ungrateful. i know we are over the top lucky to have five healthy children. im just being honest. i know good people who can't have even one child, how dare i get sad over not being about to have a sixth! its crazy talk i know. i will get over this, like everything else. this baby who is currently sleeping in my arms just might not ever be put down again.

Monday, April 16, 2012

kale hummus

ok, so you know i am crazy for anything healthy i can stuff in my children and husband.
i have been on a kale kick lately, and have now come up with new recipe the whole family loves.

kale hummus

1 bunch organic kale
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper
2 cans garbanzo beans (one drained, one not drained)

saute the kale with the garlic in a big skillet. i put a little olive oil in mine.
when it is shrinking down, toss in the lemon zest and lemon juice. empty the two cans of garbanzo beans into your blender. i drain one, leave the juice in one. toss in the kale/garlic/lemon mixture. add the salt, peppr and crushed red pepper, you can adjust to taste. blend until smooth! serve with pita chips, veggies or whatever your family likes.

enjoy - kale is full of good cancer fighting nutrients which are enhanced when mixed with the lemon and garlic. this is a snack you will feel great about feeding your family!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

game on, part 3

things are going so so with maggie. i have my on days, and my not so on days. i have let her slip a few times today. where my focus has been is on my second oldest. we have noticed that he kind of rolls through life just seeing what good can come his way, and not so much what good he can send other's way. today we had a long chat about siding with your friends instead of your family. he tends to join in on his buddy's point of view, even if it means ganging up on his little brother. his daddy explained to him very clearly that isn't how we roll in this house. family is first, far and above. you stick up for your siblings. no argument.
its so funny to me that you can raise your children in the same house, in pretty similar ways, and they all turn out so different. my oldest is so great about sticking up for her little siblings, for always wanting to please us, to do the right thing, because she knows it is the best choice - even though it is not the easy choice. this always applies to sticking up for what is right on the bus, at school - wherever it may be. you don't just stand back when people are picking on somebody. it is an inborn character trait she possesses. i gave her a quote i read once that says "why try so hard to fit in, when you were made to stand out." the girl is really trying to live by that.
we are teaching the other kids these traits, and i sure hope it sinks in eventually. i think i am learning along the way that being a good parent is hard work. it is much harder work than any thing i do at the hospital or college that results in an actual paycheck. it would be so much easier to just let them immerse themselves in video games, tv, books, whatever their vice is. it is hard work to show them how to be productive little members of our household. it is hard work to enforce punishments when they have messed up. sometimes it is also hard work to just be fully engaged with them when you are tired and would rather just veg out with a magazine or play on pinterest.
i am again finding myself so grateful that i have a husband at home to help me with these things. i can't imagine trying to keep up with just the daily tasks, and then attempt to do the really good, hard parenting on top of them by myself. even with two people working at it there are often times we get tired and get lazy. we just keep trying. it seems some days we fill them with more criticism than compliments. when we have a cruddy day and we really mess up - we say our prayers at night and ask for help to do better the next day.